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Slowly Dying In My Sleep

Knowing this will probably be made fun of at another event nobody wants me at, I’m a little embarassed to post. But…

I wish I knew a number of people who have the feeling that comes everytime driving, or alone in front of a computer, or maybe just in your bed, whenever. The feeling that blinds you so you can’t type or you need to pull over so you don’t crash yet you wish an accident would happen and kill you fast or slow, really doesn’t matter how, it just should happen.

I don’t know how it got so ugly, these thoughts of death and horror scenes plaguing my mind, but I know why it happens so often.

I’m weird, lack the same sense of humor that the people surround me with, the things that come out of my mouth are never the right words to say, no matter how well thought out I come up with something witty it’s too late to say it anyways, pretty much I suck at being social. But it doesn’t make me stupid…

I notice every awkward glance that is passed around the group when I say something that isn’t “cool”, I hear the silence all too loudly after I speak, the little hints that are screaming at the top of their lungs to me to shut up, those topic changes after I’ve added my thoughts to a conversation may save you from having to hear my ugly voice, but they all make me think about every bad quality I have.

And what for? I still care about people, I still listen to your stories, I still want to be there, I still wish things would get better, but if I am still left to basically be torn apart from the inside out… well…..

that’s really nice.

I don’t mind that this is left for the world to see. Maybe one person out of the whole world would be there to listen. Seems lately I’ve been the one listening to problem after problem but nobody is there for me.

While I’m waiting for anybody to at least pretend they care, I’ll be slowly dying in my sleep. G’night.